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>> Carlee: Is money tearing apart your relationship? We'll find out on this episode of The Stress Less Show. Hi. I'm Carly Meyers and I'm a stress management expert. One thing I hear day in and day out is that we feel like we've tried everything when it comes to stress management. We may have tried the mainstream approaches to managing stress but have we really tried to get to the root of the issue? Each episode, I bring on experts and leaders to not just put a Band-Aid on your stress but to actually get to the root of the issue. This month specifically we're talking about one of our top stressors here in America which is relationships. Specifically, is money tearing our relationship apart? So I brought on a financial planner and coach, Kristy Runzer, she's been on the… On the show before. So Kristy, I'm so excited to have you back.
>> Kristy: Thank you so much for having me. I really am excited to be here.
>> Carlee: Absolutely absolutely. So before we started- we hit the record button, we talked about how you got into this line of work and I thought it was just such a bizarre story. It's not very common, so I'm curious if you like if you want to share that with the audience.
>> Kristy: Yeah my... When I started in financial planning and, specifically, working with couples, it really came from my own journey in getting engaged and married and learning what that process of combining finances really was like. And funnily enough I, as a financial planner, married another financial planner. So we were lucky to be equipped with some of the tools that we needed, but it was still challenging and when I found that I was sharing with friends and clients and other women what that process was like. That a lot of us were struggling with the process of either combining finances or just having money conversations in relationships. I would hear things like, "Our finances are a hot mess, we're Venmo-ing each other back and forth every month." Or, "We haven't had the conversation, I'm terrified to talk about it." Or it might be something like, "I have this lingering credit card debt and I feel that deep shame and I do not want to reveal that to my partner."
>> Carlee: And I found so funny about your... When we were talking about it before the show, is that you were talking about how easy it was for you and your partner to talk about money right? So you had a little, you know, had some money here and you're like, "Oh why don't we shifted to this goal this month or why don't we do that?" And I was like, that is not normal! And so, I'm so excited to have you on the show to help those of us who are struggling in our relationships and talking about money and how do we you know, should we combine? Should we keep it separate? What's affecting our our relationship with money? And I'm just so excited to hear your thoughts so why do we start with...
>> Kristy: There's a lot to impact here I'm excited.
- Carlee
Yeah yeah. So why don't we start with you... We talked about one of the most important pieces of just even in our own relationship with money. Do you mind sharing like your first piece of advice with us?
>> Kristy: Yeah, my first piece of advice would be to determine your money story. So your money story is comprised of your early money experiences. The money messages that you received growing up from your parents, society, neighbors, right? Did you hear things like, "rich people are greedy," or "look at that person driving that nice car, they're so rude," or maybe it was things like teaching you how to create a budget and how to save and invest. But what's interesting is that we all have our own unique money story. And so when you're in a relationship, those money stories sometimes may clash or sometimes may allow you to get on the same page quicker. So by determining what your money story is and the things that you think about money, the way you feel about money - your beliefs, your views, and learning that also about your partner - the two of you are able to see really what may be fueling things that could be causing you to clash and tear apart the relationship. Or maybe ways where you can start to work better together. The more that you can learn about yourself and your partner and those money experiences and and where you stand with money, and you share that, the better you'll be able to communicate about money and understand each other and that reduces things like fighting and not being on the same page.
>> Carlee: Yeah, it's funny. I remember like this brings up to like all of the relationships in the past and you know the ones that you know you get past that certain number and you're starting to talk about money. And you know, I grew up in a lower middle class family, you know. And so I had a specific life experience and I have a specific thought about this which was, you know, in one of my former relationships, I was dating a gentleman who was - I don't know if he was a gentleman - but a gentleman who actually... He, he came from money right? So he had money. He was a trust fund child. And so it actually became a point of contention, right, because he was always from, "Oh like don't worry about it, we've got- it's no problem." And couldn't really conceptualize like, no I have to save up for like a year to afford that right? And so determining where you both come from so you can really put that out there and be aware of it. Oh my goodness, I I can't even imagine how that would probably help that past relationship for me.
>> Kristy: That's true. That's a really great example and that's exactly right where those differences can clash and you might not be on the same page.
>> Carlee: Absolutely. So what is your next tip for those of us who are listening.
>> Kristy: My next tip is to communicate with your partner about money so, whether you are totally avoiding the conversation or maybe you're just not on the same page, communication around money is huge. For example, maybe you get really defensive about money and you shut down, or maybe you get frustrated and you lash out and you attack, or maybe you struggle to really speak up and speak your truth and be heard, or maybe you are struggling to compromise and to give a little to or to take a little to get a little. So really learning things like being a good listener and seeking to understand where your partner is coming from, practicing things like empathy and compassion are huge, and having the courage and the vulnerability to be honest and to really speak your truth. Starting to practice those techniques will make the world of difference in a money conversation.
>> Carlee: So what do you recommend for someone who maybe is really scared to talking - I'm thinking about the client that maybe. The person that you reckon- you mentioned earlier which was like, "What if I have like all of this debt that I'm really ashamed of. Or, "My partner knows I have student loans but doesn't... do they really know how much right?" So how do you... What do you recommend in communicating about things maybe we're feeling shameful about?
>> Kristy: Yeah because sometimes the old rip the Band-Aid off and just do it advice doesn't always work. Now if you want to just go for it, you can. But sometimes, it takes a process of self exploration first and understanding that shame and that doubt and that questioning and learning how to heal and release that for yourself before you can share. So it's OK to take some time to turn inward and heal within yourself before you go outward and communicate that with your partner.
>> Carlee: I think that's that's great. So what is your final tip for those of us who are listening?
>> Kristy: Final tip is to set money goals. How are you going to know what to do with your money if you don't know what you're working towards right? Create a vision. Figure out what's important to, what you value, what you really want to get out of this life. And those life goals ultimately become your money goals. So set those not only for yourself but together with your partner. So that the two of you really know what's important, what you value and what you're working towards.
>> Carlee: That's so that you're great and simple tip. It's funny that even like my from my experience right, I'm like I got to take Christie's advice because we do...Sometimes, we get so caught up on our own goals and what we want to achieve, but when we combine that vision we can create something more powerful. I love that. So thank you, Kristy, so much for being on the show. Where do we find you?
>> Kristy: You can find me at OnRoute financial dot com. I'm also OnRoute Financial on Instagram. Come over and say hey.
>> Carlee: Awesome. All right. Thank you so much for joining this episode of The Stress Less Show. This episode was sponsored by The Stress Less Space located at 16th and Walnut in Philadelphia, PA. The Stress Less Space is the ultimate lady cave for women to relax and recharge away from the chaos of everyday life. You can find more information by visiting stress less co dot com. Take care and we'll see you next week.