Read the blog post version of this episode here!
>> Carlee: Hi. I'm Carlee Myers, a stress management expert. One thing I hear day in and day out is that we feel like we've tried everything when it comes to stress management. We may have tried the mainstream approaches to managing our stress but have we really gotten to the root of the issue? Each episode, I bring on experts and leaders to not just put a Band-Aid on your stress but to actually get to the root. This month's theme is relationships. I know how tough that they can be, and specifically, this episode I brought on an expert to talk about how a lack of appreciation can basically tear apart our relationship. So I'm so excited to have Alex Streisand on the show. She's a certified professional confidence and relationship coach. Welcome Alex!
>> Alex: Hey Carlee, thank you so much for having me I'm so excited to be here.
>> Carlee: So tell us for those of us who are listening at home who maybe don't know what the heck confidence and relationship coach means. What is it that you you do?
>> Alex: So basically what I do is I help people break through those negative thoughts and emotions in order to transform their life, so that they're truly able to trust themselves and their partner and accept themselves for who they are both on the inside and the outside while also gaining a deeper understanding for what it is that they want and deserve.
>> Carlee: Yeah. So it's like a real self-love experience. So it almost goes back to this like you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.
>> Alex: Absolutely. Like my goal is to really just create a life for my clients that allows them to step into their power with courage and confidence and clarity. So it's all about helping them conquer those insecurities and break through their fears so they can end that negative judgment and actually truly love who they are.
>> Carlee: Yeah so before before we hit the record button on this episode, we talked a little bit about a story that you wanted to share. Would you mind sharing it for us now?
>> Alex: Yeah absolutely. So the reason that this really hits close to home for me is because I used to manage a restaurant prior to becoming a coach. And I remember doing those 80 90 hour work weeks and coming home exhausted and you know having a boyfriend at the time who wasn't working nearly as much as I was and I felt like every day was just like I was coming home exhausted. I was hungry. I was like anxious from everything that I've dealt with with the customers and yet there was such a lack of appreciation towards how hard I was working where like he was still expecting me to do dinner or clean up or put his stuff away. And it was just kind of like, "OK pump the brakes." It's like I know I'm so much better than this. I know what I deserve, but it took me a while to really see that and that is why this topic is so incredibly important.
>> Carlee: So what's shifted for you to get you out of that relationship and into you know into a place where you felt like you're like you know what I deserve and this is what it is and I'm going to take you know I'm going to stand my ground for it?
>> Alex: Yeah. So I think for me it was a lot of you know kind of getting into the self-help field and talking to a coach and being like OK well what is it that I need to do. What is going on here and that's why I really recommend working with a coach or a therapist to really help gain clarity on this topic because sometimes we get wrapped up in that that life of we don't really understand where the lack of appreciation is coming from and why. Or it maybe we believe that we deserve it. And it's kind of like. Absolutely not. That is not what we deserve we deserve so much more, especially when we're such hard workers and we put in all this time and effort to live a life that we want. It's like OK we need to make a change.
>> Carlee: Yeah. So you need somebody with you kind of got somebody with a bird's eye view to say here's what's going on. And you know now that you have a perspective you were able to make some changes. What would you recommend for someone who's struggling with this issue of lack of appreciation in their relationship?
>> Alex: Yeah so I would really recommend one when it comes to appreciation for me falls under what I call the triple A category which is appreciation, acknowledgement, and acceptance. And they all really tie in together because we're in such a fast paced and hectic life and it's so easy for us to sometimes take things for granted, including our partners, where we feel like, "OK well so much is going on. They know we appreciate them but we don't really need to express it." And it's like no we need that sense of appreciation. We... It feels good to be complimented and loved and shown like we are thankful for X Y and Z. So what I would say is that for me like tricks and tips just towards starting to appreciate your partner is really like being thankful for the little things no matter how small they are. So that really means like showing appreciation when the door is being held or you know someone makes the bed for you or your partner's cooking for you or helping with the dishes or simple thank you's that will literally brighten someone's day because they're like wow they notice me and they acknowledge that I'm doing and that actually makes me feel really good. And now I so happy that I wanted to do more of those things to gain that sense of appreciation in such a selfless way.
>> Carlee: You know what's so interesting about that and I apologize for interrupting but I remember when I was first launching my business my partner and I, I felt like oh where I like he was doing you know making the dinner and he was unloading the dishwasher and he was doing this. And I remember having a conversation with my mentor about my relationship and being like, "what the heck! like why doesn't he appreciate all the stuff doing" and it actually when we got out of it. To talk about the birds eye view. We got out of it and I started making, thinking about what is it that I. What is the loving gesture that I can give to him. And it was often that appreciation thanking him for dinner, thanking him for doing unloading the dishwasher, thanking him for like giving me a hug goodness at the end of the day sometimes you need one, right? And that just giving gratitude to him completely transformed our relationship and got us back on the track that we wanted to be on.
>> Alex: Absolutely and I love that because that is such a perfect example especially for a lot of women who like us are working all of these hours and we come home and we're exhausted and it would be nice to just get a little like, "hey babe, like such a hard day. Here is you know a cute little dessert I made for you just to put a smile on your face" or massage your feet and make you feel better. And it's like it's the instances of like care and love when you're like, "Oh my God, Like he or she really does love me and they do appreciate me and OK now I know like my work isn't just being you know it's not just being pushed to the side it's really being acknowledged."
>> Carlee: Yeah. And what you just said sounded like complete like New Age porn like if that was gonna be a thing like the massage and dessert. Oh my goodness. So what else do you recommend for someone who feels like they're in this you're stuck in this space?
>> Alex: I would say the next step is like really being present and really having the conversation with your partner about being present and that means that when you guys are communicating and actually having a conversation about your day or about things that are going on in your life, you're both putting your phones away. You're making full eye contact. You're really being engaged and showing your partner and having them show you that you're actually listening and engaged and taking in what they're saying. So you can actually see where you're both coming from and have a mutual understanding and that sense of OK I get it. Like here's what's going on. Now I'm hearing you, so let me tell you what I'm thinking or seeing from that.
>> Carlee: Oh my goodness, that is so good and it's so crazy every tip that you're sharing reminds me of like a specific moment in my relationship where I remember my partner and I went to it was like an authentic relating event for for couples. And we- part of one of the exercises was eye contact I think it was not for too long maybe three or four minutes of eye contact. I can't. Both of us ended up in tears because we had felt so seen and so just putting down the phones and making eye contact just alone without even words is so powerful. So I love that tip. That's really... I know for me how impactful it has been in my life.
>> Alex: And I love it and I say everyone who's listening, try that out tonight. Like go home and just tell your partner like hey let's just put our phones down and spend some quality time, even if there aren't a lot of words.
>> Carlee: Yeah
>> Alex: Let's see what comes up for us. Like what are we feeling, what are we hearing? Like and I think that is a great way to really start moving forward.
>> Carlee: Now don't go home and just stare at them watch. Don't be creepy about it, but that is absolutely a great tip. Now very quickly we're running out of time, but what is your last. I know you had about three tips. What is your last tip for you want to leave with our listeners?
>> Alex: Yes. So lastly I would say it's really acknowledging but also complimenting your partner. So that's something as simple. And it's you know both sides. The way they look, the way they said something funny, the way something that makes them smile something that makes you smile. Really finding that sense of love in terms of, "hey babe like you look great today" or "oh my gosh, like what you said before made me laugh and it made me feel so good when you did X Y and Z." And it's those little compliments because let's face it we all love being complimented
>> Carlee: Yep
>> Alex: Someone's like, "Hey you look great today," and you're like thanks! like my whole day just brightened up because of your comment. So I think that is also really really powerful is to really just make a space where there's just endless love and connection with complimenting and acknowledging and and Yeah. Try that out. I'm telling you it will work wonders.
>> Carlee: Great. So thank you so much Alex for being on the show. This concludes this episode of the Stress Less Show. This episode was sponsored by The Stress Less Space. Located at 16th and Walnut in Philadelphia, PA. The Stress Less Space is the ultimate lady cave for women to relax and recharge away from the chaos of everyday life. You can find more information about that if you visit stress less CO dot com. That's Stress Less Co Dot com. See you next week.