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After years of raising kids together, your relationship with your partner can go through ups, downs, and then some! But what about when the kids are all grown up and off to start their own lives as adults? Adjusting to life without the kids around can be a big challenge for a relationship. It can be downright scary even! But with a little patience and curiosity, it can also be an exciting time to reconnect with the person we fell in love with. I sat down with Life Coach, author, and host of In The Nest, Jodi Silverman, to discuss how we can rekindle our relationship with our partner and ourselves once the kids have left.
After building her first business in commercial printing and raising a family of her own with her husband, Jodi transitioned into coaching as her kids started getting older and she began to think about what would come next.
“I asked myself, ‘When the kids are gone, if all that’s left is this business, is that enough?’... I have a really good marriage. I have two great kids. I live where I want to live. I don’t have this life of real struggle and I have my own business. But yet it didn’t feel [like] enough and it didn’t feel fulfilled.”
From there, Jodi started down a journey of personal growth that not only helped her find a deeper sense of fulfillment and connection in her life but also led her to become a coach devoted to helping other moms like her manage the transition into the empty nest phase. Through her own personal journey and her work with countless clients, she has some great advice on what you can do to help your relationship thrive during the empty nest transition so you and your partner can rediscover that sense of connection again.
Tip #1: Find Something Just For You
Jodi’s first tip may seem a bit counterintuitive, but it is actually the biggest thing you can do to help your relationship thrive once the kids leave. Find activities that are just yours! Before we can really connect with others, we have to be connected to ourselves. Creating space in our lives devoted to ourselves and our own interests is crucial in our own personal happiness, which will improve our ability to show up in our other relationships. However, Jodi also highlights the importance of balancing your personal time with your shared time.
“Check-in with each other to make sure you’re respecting your time together so that one of you isn’t feeling like, ‘Well, I guess golf’s more important than me, or tennis is more important.’”
Tip #2: Reflect on Things You Used to Enjoy Doing Together BK (Before Kids)
While deepening the relationship we have with ourselves is a major first step in maintaining a strong relationship post raising kids, we next have to find more ways to connect with our partner. And that can be tougher than it sounds once the kids are gone.
“So many of us put our kids in the center of our world and we get caught up, ‘Okay, you take them to soccer, I’ll take on the play practice…’ And you forget about you. You forget about the partnership. You forget about your relationship with your partner.”
Finding the things you and your partner can connect and bond over again can take time once the kids leave. You may not even know where to begin, but Jodi recommends getting a few ideas by sitting down with your partner and reflecting back on the activities you two enjoyed doing together before you had children.
“Maybe it was riding bikes together. I know another couple… [they] discovered cooking together again and now they cook together. So reflect on the things that you used to enjoy doing before kids. And when one of those things resonates, try it together.”
Tip #3: Plan a Day Swap
My personal favorite of Jodi’s tips for reconnecting with your partner is the day swap! We all have our own unique interests and activities that bring us joy and are deeply integral to our happiness. That is why Jodi’s first tip was for you and your partner to establish your own personal hobbies. As each partner continues to develop their own interests, Jodi suggests planning days where you accompany your partner on their “ideal” day filled with the interests and activities that they enjoy.
“You never know, you might enjoy it as well and you’re paying attention to each other. You’re really showing an interest in each other’s lives.”
Watching someone in their element enjoying themselves can be an exciting and intimate experience. By stepping into each other’s worlds occasionally, you can rekindle the energetic connection you have with your partner and see them from a new perspective.
While it can seem like you know all there is to know about your partner after raising kids together and launching those kids into the world, an empty nest gives you an opportunity to learn more not only about yourself, but also your partner and the beautiful relationship you can continue to evolve for years to come.
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