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Do you know what you need in your relationship? Are you getting it? Can you talk about it? Relationships can be beautiful things, but building strong, open, and supportive relationships takes some work! I sat down with Licensed Psychotherapist, Kira Yakubov to talk all things relationships so you can learn how to create healthy ones and how to maintain them through all the highs and the lows life throws at you!
Kira’s interest as a psychotherapist specializing in family, marriage and couples therapy began from a pretty early age after immigrating to America and observing her friends and their families.
“I picked up pretty early on observing my family and my friends’ families how different dynamics were.”
As she got older, these observations grew into a fascination with human behavior that set her on her path to helping people understand their own behavior and relationships. Through her work, she has gained so much knowledge on relationships and has shared with me her top three tips on creating healthier relationships.
Tip 1 - Make a list of your core values
A key thing to keep in mind is that often the work of building a healthy relationship often begins before we even enter into one. While we can’t expect to find the “perfect” partner who looks like they walked right out of our dreams, we do have to know what we are looking for in a relationship! That is why Kira’s first tip is to list out and get clear on what your core values are in your life. These are the more fixed and important non-negotiable things you are looking for like morals or the lifestyle you want to live.
“If you’re very much on the go [and an] ambitious person that’s constantly changing and enjoys that, it might be very difficult for you to be with someone who really enjoys something that is very familiar and staying in one place… that over time will not be sustainable for the relationship and knowing that upfront is really important.”
Going into a relationship without defining these things for ourselves is often how we end up in unhealthy or unsatisfying relationships. However, taking the time to really figure out what your values and boundaries are will help you find a partner who will respect and share those values with you.
Tip 2 - Make more deposits than withdrawals to the relationship’s Emotional Piggy Bank.
Once we are in a relationship and time goes on, we can sometimes lose sight of the consistent maintenance that relationships need to really flourish. They require both partners in the relationship to be willing to forge intimacy and connection regularly. However, Kira’s next tip I personally love because it is a great way to think about just how important those little expressions of love and connection are in a relationship.
“Think about it like a bank account... If you’re not constantly putting money into it or if you’re not paying attention to it and then you get hit with a fee... Now you’re in the negative. It’s really thinking about [this]: can your relationship withstand these inevitable hits that it’s going to take?”
Without that foundation to look back and reflect on in the difficult times, it can be hard to continue in a relationship. Little things each day that shows your partner you care are the deposits needed to keep a relationship alive. Just like saving a few pennies here and there can seem unimportant, those little things may not seem like much. However, when your relationship faces a challenge, it is all the little things that will remind you why that challenge is worth facing.
Tip 3 - Practice giving and receiving feedback regularly
As we begin to think more closely about the withdrawals and hits that our relationships take over time, Kira stresses that for her final tip that communication is key. Relationships require open and honest communication to truly flourish and in order to sustain a healthy bond with our partner, we must be able to both listen to our partner’s needs as well as advocate for our own.
One particularly useful place where feedback and communication come in is with love languages and the way we show love and appreciation in our relationships. We all have unique ways in which we want to be treated and to have a relationship where we can feel bonded and loved, we need to check in with our partners about these things. And not just once!
“We change as people every day over time, so what works for us now may not later. And if we don’t share that with our partner or friend or family member, they’re going to keep doing the thing that we don’t want.”
Relationships in all forms are built on connection. When we are in healthy relationships, we feel a sense of connection with our partners that allows us to feel safe and supported. Building and sustaining that connection does require consistent maintenance through open feedback, shared values, and intimacy. However, by just putting in the attention and care each day, we can create relationships that can truly last.
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Have you heard? Self-love accountability has gotten a whole lot easier! We’ve launched Self Care In Action, a brand new virtual self-care accountability group to help you relax and recharge in the comfort of your own home! Learn more here and join us for our next session on November 24th at 5:30pm ET!
Learn more about Kira by visiting her website: