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Carlee
Do you know exactly what you want or need in your relationships, if you don't, you've made it to the right place and if you're a little unsure, you're in the right place, too. I'm Carlee Myers, your friendly stress management expert. And this month, we're talking about love, sex and relationships. And I brought on an amazing guest, Kira, who is a licensed psychotherapist who provides individual couples therapy, couples and sex therapy in the greater Philadelphia area. She supports individuals and couples in creating healthier relationships with themselves and others through self-awareness, deep insight and intentional action. I had the pleasure of meeting, Kira, probably more than a year ago now at a support group brought together by our mutual friend Daniela shout out to Daniela. But I was blown away by how she handled the support group, the questions that that were asked to her, how she answered it. And I thought, you know what, I have to have her on the show. So, Kira. Welcome to the show. I'm so excited to have you here.
Kira
Thank you for having me. That's so sweet of you. Thank you for saying that.
Carlee
Of course. Of course. So I want to I, I know your story, but I know most of the folks that are in my community don't know you. So can you tell us how you ended up here and how you why you're doing the work that you're doing today?
Kira
So I'll give you the brief, because I went over a little bit in the last session. Basically, I immigrated to America when I was two with my family, and I picked up pretty early on observing my family and my friends' families how different dynamics were. And I was just so fascinated with human behavior and relationships and I knew how significant it was to a person's development. And so that really led me into psychology and particularly in marriage and family therapy. Because I think it kind of shapes a lot of who we are as people.
Carlee
Mm. Yeah. And if you haven't heard Kira's story, you have to go back and search for it. You have to go listen to the other the other episode. So what do you recommend for for those of us who are listening that are like, you know, I really I have trouble identifying what I want or need, and if I do, maybe there's a communication piece. But let's start with identifying what what do we do so that we can have healthier relationships, not only with other people, but with ourselves?
Kira
Yeah, so I think one of the most important things and the thing that helped me the most personally and professionally is reflecting on what are your core values and morals in your life and that are extremely significant to you, because those things do not change much over our life span. They're pretty constant. So making like a list like pen to paper, all your values, your core morals, and then what are you looking for in a partner or friendships and what are non-negotiables so that you use that as a guide when you're dating or even making friends. Right. Because compatibility is so important and it's not just like interest or activities like. Things that don't change, we have to address those things up front. So I think that's a number one, especially when you're starting out dating for sure.
Carlee
So what would be an example of some of those core values that we might come up with?
Kira
Sure so I think if where you live, the kind of lifestyle you're looking for, like if you're very much on the go go getter, ambitious person that's constantly changing and enjoys that, it might be very difficult for you to be with someone who really enjoys something that is very familiar and staying in one place for a long time and not really enjoying risk-taking. That over time will not be sustainable for the relationship. And knowing that up front is really important.
Carlee
Yeah, it's almost it's core values, but it's also like your vision for where you want to be as well and figuring out if those that's out of alignment with friendships or or even potential romantic partners. So you shared you know, we were talking about this pre-show a little bit about your what you wanted to share today. And I was just really interested in this term that you brought forward called the emotional piggybank. So what the heck is the emotional piggybank and are we putting things in it? What? Tell us more.
Kira
Yes, I love this. So basically, if you think about it like a bank account, right? If you have, if you're putting in money constantly a little bit at a time, there's a cushion. And if you get hit with a fee, it still sucks. Right. You don't enjoy it, but it doesn't ruin the whole account. You're not going into negative. But if you're not constantly putting money into it or if you're not paying attention to it, and then you get hit with a fee, now you're hit with an overdraft fee. Now you're in the negative. So it's really thinking about like, can your relationship withstand these inevitable hits that it's going to take and being conscious of every day, putting in these small pieces of connection or intimacy with your partner so that you're building the emotional piggy bank.
Carlee
So this reminds me of my best friend. We were roommates for the longest time, like met in college, lived together for like five years, and we got into a rough patch in our friendship, she was driving me mad and I was driving her mad. And we wanted to rip each other's heads off. And both of us, I think we're like we were on that edge of like, do we do we continue this friendship? But that was the thing that I didn't know. There was a name for the emotional piggy bank was there, and it saved the day. And now we were we were able to get through that time. And we're still best friends to this day. So I think that that's just an example of how it might work in a friendship when you become roommates and they drive you crazy. Wow. OK, so what would like what would a deposit look like in a relationship? I think I have an idea, but for folks listening
Kira
Sure so it could be super small, right? It's like sending an encouraging text message or leaving a note or hugging someone. Right. Like any way that you're showing you care and you're there for someone and it's an attempt for connection is a deposit. They don't have to be huge. It's just these daily small things that we probably do anyway that we don't really notice. But when we start when we stop doing them or we pull away from that and the disconnection becomes too large, then it's a lot harder to get back to that place or even imagine that it's even there to begin with.
Carlee
So I'm curious, how does the love languages play into this?
Kira
Yes. So I love this, which kind of takes us to the next tip was how important giving and receiving feedback is regularly. And so if you and your partner or friends or anybody in your life has different languages, it's going to be important to share with each other. How do you want to be loved and how do you want to give love? And is it working? Are you like letting them know you appreciate their efforts? So it's so much of this back and forth because we're constantly reassessing and re-evaluating what works for us, because we change as people every day over time. So what works for us now may not later. And if we don't share that with our partner or friend or family member, they're going to keep doing the thing that we don't want. And that's a withdraw from the relationship and they don't even realize it. So being able to share that without taking things personally is huge.
Carlee
Yeah. And, you know, I'm thinking about the positive flip side of this, which is, you know, example in my romantic relationship, my partner will put his hand on my knee or the small of my back and oh my gosh, I could melt over that physical touche is with my love, like one of my top love languages. And I have to say, it's sometimes so difficult for me to be like, yes, keep doing that. I love it. Right. And I just want to sink into the moment and hope that he feels the energy. But even that feedback can be really powerful because with that positive feedback, he's like, oh, I should do that more. It makes her happy. So I love this. And I, I wanted to point out because we've talked about this show, this goes for for sex as well, giving them
Kira
Big time
Carlee
Positive and negative feedback, because we see this we talk about this a lot, at least in the personal development world as women right? The checking out. Now, we don't have to do that. Let's provide feedback. So is there a last word that you want to share with our listeners around having healthier relationships or last piece of advice?
Kira
I think connection, connection is so important and finding ways to maintain that and knowing what it takes to maintain that is really important.
Carlee
I love it. So for those of you who are listening, we want to know what is your love language? One of languages. We're curious. We want to be able to love you. Well, we'll see. We'll see about that. But we want to know what are your love languages? And, you know, if you're feeling overworked and exhausted, I'm still chuckling about my comment. Guys, you're feeling overworked and exhausted. I have got good news. The Stress Less Company works with high achieving executives, business owners and managers just like you to find that sense of peace and freedom that they desire. And as a result of our work together, not only do they learn how to deepen their spiritual connection, whatever that means to them, they also learn those tactical tools so that they can find more free time, more efficiency and more prosperity. Sounds pretty great, right? Well, if you're interested, you can apply for a complimentary stress assessment today to start the conversation about working together. Simply visit stress less CO dot COM slash apply for more information and to apply. And I want to give one last shout out to Kira. Thank you so, so much for coming on the show. And we want to know where can we find you if we want more of this incredible information?
Kira
Yes. Thank you so much for having me again. So on Instagram, it's unfiltered underscore girl talk and then my website, Kira Yakubov dotcom.
Carlee
Beautiful. Go follow her. Go go to our Web site. Check it out. Check her out. All right. This concludes this episode of The Stress Less Show. If you've enjoyed this week's episode, let us know by giving us a big thumbs up and hitting that follow or subscribe button. Thanks for listening. Share if it resonated. And we will see you next week bye.