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Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! I cannot stress enough how important they are, but setting healthy boundaries isn’t always as easy as we'd like it to be. We may have trouble knowing what boundaries we need in our lives when we’re so accustomed to focusing on everyone else's needs first. Or maybe we do know what boundaries we need to set, but every time we try to we can't seem to actually stick to them. Let’s face it, creating boundaries can be tough! That is why I brought on The Stress Less Show this week, Mary Brown, founder of Intentional Life Coaching and boundaries expert, to help break down how to set healthy boundaries in our lives and actually make sure we stick to them.
Mary's experience with boundaries goes way back! Growing up in a family with nine children, Mary has had to learn over the years how to set boundaries within her own personal life, starting first by building the self-awareness she needed to set those boundaries and then the confidence to enforce them.
“I had to learn how to show up with love for myself and the people around me.”
As she got older, her personal experience with boundary setting became a professional calling while working as a social worker. There, she realized there were so many women and caregivers that she would meet daily who were also struggling to find the strength to set boundaries in their own lives. Founding Intentional Life Coaching, Mary now is able to help others connect to themselves and stand up for their self-worth by creating necessary boundaries in their lives.
“It's really my honor and my joy to be able to witness the transformation of amazing women that I get to work with.”
Through her work, Mary has a bunch of incredible tips she shared with me to help all of us start to feel more comfortable setting the boundaries we need in order to truly take care of ourselves.
Tip #1: Set boundaries from a place of love
When beginning to set boundaries, one factor we often forget about is the intention behind the boundaries we set. For many of us, we may find ourselves only setting boundaries with people after we've already been disrespected. We may be trying to set boundaries from a place of anger, frustration, fear or maybe even desperation. However, what Mary suggests is to work on setting boundaries from a place of love first.
“Do it from the mindset of I love me and I love you. Or at least I respect myself and I love you and I respect you.”
By simply taking this mindset on as we set boundaries, we are empowering ourselves to stick to them. Boundaries created out of love become opportunities for us to strengthen our relationships with others and bring us closer to a place of mutual love and understanding.
Tip #2: Stand up for your self worth
Self-worth and boundaries go hand-in-hand. Often, when we feel we are having trouble setting boundaries in our lives, a great place to start is by looking inwards at the value you place on yourself. When we don't stand up for our self worth and value, we are often more willing to ignore the boundaries that we know intrinsically we want to be respected. That is why Mary stresses the importance of remembering that we are valuable as we begin to set boundaries.
“Boundaries are not about controlling other people. They're about valuing yourself.”
Reminding ourselves that we not only have value that deserves to be respected but also how we would like to be treated and respected is what Mary highlights as the core of boundary setting.
Tip #3: Self-Care is all about connection
While we hear a lot about setting boundaries and how boundaries are a necessary form of self-care, it can be easy to lose sight of why. Especially if we are not used to putting ourselves first, we might feel a little uncomfortable setting boundaries with people we care about. However Mary's last tip is crucial not just for boundaries but for self-care overall. It is important to remember that taking care of ourselves is about more than just connecting with us. it encompasses everything.
“[Self-care] includes all the kinds of connecting, connecting to our bodies, our creativity, our feelings, people, nature, and belonging something bigger than ourselves.”
By taking care of ourselves and enforcing our boundaries, we allow ourselves the ability to show up for others and actually be present in our relationships with our loved ones and the world around us.