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How many of us out there have ever felt trapped by other people's expectations of us? Whether it's our family members, our partners, our friends or even our coworkers, we can face a lot of pressure from others when it comes to the decisions we make for ourselves. As much as we would love to be able to please everyone, the reality is that what we want and what we expect of ourselves is far more important than the expectations that anyone else has for us. We can't please everyone and when we try to, we only end up letting ourselves down. This week, I'm so happy to have confidence coach, speaker, and our Self(ish) Philly MC, Danielle Mercurio, on the show to share her story and her tips for finally putting yourself first ahead of everyone else's expectations of you.
Danielle knows a thing or two about other people's expectations because, at the start of her career, she found herself trying to please everyone but herself. Despite having bold dreams and big ideas all of her life, She spent her college years facing depression while getting a degree in education that didn't really connect with what she truly wanted for her future.
“I thought that if I followed the rules enough [and] did what everybody told me, not only would it give me love and validation, eventually, I would get to a spot where I would have enough independence to do what it is that I want. However, when you spend your whole life trying to please everybody else, you're never going to create that space to do what it is that you really want to do.”
After going through several years of confusion escapism and feeling Lost, Danielle finally hit her breaking point and begin to change her life by Healing her relationship with herself, letting go of other people's expectations for her and pursuing the life and career that she truly needed in order to feel fulfilled.
“It didn't happen overnight, but I started to see the beauty in becoming your own best friend. And through that, I realized I had to start to do that for others.”
Now as a confidence coach, speaker, comedian, meditation teacher and more, Danielle is teaching others how to live life with purpose and she shared a couple of tips for letting go of other people’s expectations.
Tip #1: Start with Self-Okay
Escaping other people's expectations of us begins with how we treat ourselves. As Danielle learned on her own journey self-love is an absolute must. However, for a lot of us, the idea of self-love is easier said than done. When Danielle first began working on herself, she was in this very same place.
“A lot of people were throwing positivity at me and self-love and I wasn't into it. Because I was like, ‘I judge myself every single day. I look in the mirror and I'm mean, I can't put a positive affirmation on my mirror and tell myself I love myself every day. That's too far. I'm not there yet.’”
That’s why Danielle's first tip is to start slow by just trying to practice self okay. instead of jumping straight into self-love, focus on quieting your harsh inner critic and being okay with who you are in the moment - no matter what it looks like.
“From that baseline, you can start to weave in some more words of encouragement. Then you can start to explore this notion of liking yourself more and it starts to shift and build from there. Meet yourself where you're at.”
Falling in love with anyone is a journey and falling in love with yourself is no different. So don't be afraid of the journey you need to take with yourself and accept each day as it comes.
Tip #2: Create Space for Yourself
As we start to practice self-love and being okay with ourselves, Danielle also stresses a key part of what it means to be selfish and put yourself and your needs above what other people expect of you. and that is to begin creating space in your life for yourself.
It is absolutely necessary that you place boundaries on your time and your energy when it comes to how you spend it on other people. These boundaries will look differently for all of us, but a great place to start is with your to-do list. According to Danielle, being selfish means that you are putting yourself at the top of your to-do list and prioritizing the tasks that you need to do for yourself in order to show up for others.
“Sometimes you're going to have to say no to people and you might have to disappoint them. But you know what? That's way better than disappointing yourself all the time.”
Saying no to the people in your life may seem difficult at first, however, the more you practice these boundaries and the more time you're spending on yourself, the more you will see the positive impact that you are having on your life as well as the lives of people around you. being selfish will allow you to give more of yourself without feeling frustrated or drained.
If you are ready to put yourself first, join me and Danielle at Self(ish) Philly on September 18th. Self(ish) Philly is a transformative self-care conference filled with Philadelphia’s best wellness resources, speakers and more! Learn more and grab your tickets here!