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Carlee (00:03):
Do you feel like you're living on a different planet than your kids. Like you're completely missing wavelengths. Well, if you feel that way, first of all, you're not alone. And second, you are absolutely in the right place. Thank goodness. Now I brought on an incredible guest to talk about this, but before I do, I should probably tell you who I am. Right? So I'm Carlee Myers. I'm the founder of the Stress Less Company. And I'm of course your friendly stress management expert. And this month we're focusing on at home learning and pandemic parenting. What's all that about and how can we navigate these exceptional times? Now I brought on an incredible guest, Kim, and Kim is the founder of Girl Talk. Now Girl Talk is an afterschool program for middle school girls, a girl scout troop leader for a brownie and junior troupe. And she's also a podcaster and speaker. And we actually met at a networking group quite quite a bit ago, and we just hit it off immediately. We set up a connection call. We got to talking, we bonded over different places in the Northeast, the whole nine yards, dogs and everything. And I thought, you know what? I have to have Kim on the show. So Kim, without further ado, welcome to the Stress Less Show.
Kim (01:16):
Thanks so much for having me. I'm excited to be here.
Carlee (01:19):
Absolutely. So, okay. So for those of us who don't know you and don't know your story, can you share with us a little bit more about how you ended up here? Like how did you end up the founder of Girl Talk?
Kim (01:32):
Sure. So I was that teen. I was seen as the rebellious, bad egg of a teenager, um, when boys came into the picture. And so I actually ended up in an abusive relationship with my high school boyfriend that lasted from the time that I was about 16 until I was 21. And after going through the discovery journey of self-healing and figuring out who I was outside of that relationship, I did a lot of reflecting on how I ended up there. And I realized that if I had a program like Girl Talk when I was in middle school, perhaps I wouldn't have ended up in that relationship because I would have learned the importance of self-love and navigating self-esteem and the ups and downs of it, and really standing strong in my personal identity. And so from there, it was my mission to create something like that for girls today.
Carlee (02:26):
Yeah, and I know, Oh my gosh, I feel the same exact way. Like middle school was a whirlwind for me. And boy, would it have been helpful to have something like Girl Talk when I was that age. So, okay. So let's say we are a parent and we have, we have a middle school girl or even a teen that's, you know, we are missing wavelengths with them. We have, we have a kid where we're just not on the same page. What, you know, what's one, like if you had one piece of advice, what would you, what would that be?
Kim (02:58):
So I too am a mom of a middle schooler. I can't believe I have a fifth grader already and I also have an eight year old. And the thing that's been a game changer, especially during the pandemic is changing my expectations and instead setting standards, um, this has also helped a client, a coaching client that I had with her teen daughter. Um, so the example is that was most relevant with my coaching client was that she said to her daughter, you know, I want the dishes done. And her expectation was because she said it in that moment, her daughter was going to get up and she was going to go do the dishes immediately. And they were going to be done. But the daughter felt like, well, if I get the dishes done from breakfast before lunch, then that should be good enough. That should be fine. And there was such a big discommunication, um, that they were on complete and total opposite wavelengths. And so when I said to mom and daughter, could you instead set standards around chores? You know, if, if the general chores are done by Sunday evening at 8:00 PM, then mom, you can't nag and say, do your chores, do your chores, do your chores because the standard is that they'll be done by 8:00 PM.
Kim (04:05):
And the manner that they're supposed to be done thoroughly, done properly, uh, you know, done to the nines. But until then you can't say anything. And so, and that was true with the dishes. And so it was such a game changer for the mom because she realized that by setting these expectations and not necessarily commuting in the, communicating the expectations to the daughter, she was setting them up for arguments and frustration. The daughter was frustrated because she felt like mom was constantly nagging. The mom was frustrated because she felt like the daughter wasn't listening to her and they were butting heads. And it went from chores to other things as well.
And so what I find is that if we set standards, rather than expectations, they can be communicated, the standards can be communicated and they can all be on the same page. And it really, it allows us to let go a little bit because once the standard was set that the breakfast dishes will be done before lunch, lunch dishes will be done before dinner, dinner dishes will be done before bed, the mom didn't feel like she had to constantly be monitoring when the dishes were done. And with the chores, she didn't have to feel like she would constantly was going around the house monitor and monitoring and checking and supervising. It gave her an opportunity to let go a little bit, but it also gave the daughter an opportunity to not feel so on edge too, because she felt like she was being trusted to get the things done that she was supposed to do in a time that worked for her and for mom. And so I do, I use standards versus expectations with my own children. So, um, their bedrooms are not perfectly neat and tidy, but the standard is that laundry is not on the floor, you know, beds are made. And that's where I keep the standard set. If they want a pile of books on their bedside table, or if they want, um, you know, their own decorations displayed in whatever way that might be, it might look cluttered to me, but if it works for them, that's fine. And so it's really taking that step back because it gives them autonomy and it allows a common ground to be met. And then it takes the nagging and all the, you know, the unnecessary, I'll say drama out of things. And it allows you to come back together and say, okay, you know, we're all working through this. We're all doing the best that we can. And so the same can be applied for, um, you know, virtual school getting homework done. So the standard is that homework is done before dinner. That gives the kids freedom to take a break after being on the laptop all day or the computer all day staring at a screen. And it gives them responsibility like, okay, I know that the standard is that my homework is done before dinner. That gives me this much time and how I use that time, you know, let me work through that and see where I need to prioritize or see what I need to do so that I can get my homework done, but also give myself a mental break. So it's been a game changer. It eliminated a lot of arguments, but it allows me to see my kids for being humans and for trying to navigate the pandemic with as much ease and grace as they can. But it also gives me the ability to navigate parenting and the pandemic with ease and grace and compassion too. So I feel like with standards, it takes away the tension and it puts everyone back together in communication rather than it feeling like I'm a nag fest or like, why isn't anybody listening to me or when is enough enough, or when are things going to start changing around here? It takes that pressure away from them.
Carlee (07:40):
Yeah. And I love that. And I think that this actually can just go beyond parenting even. Like I can, I could think about so many times, um, shout out to my best friend when we used to live with each other. Oh my gosh, were the dishes and issue, right? So it, you know, she took on the, come on, give me a break. And I took on the nagging role, like, come on, get the dishes done. And this could really be applied to any living situation. So even if you're, you know, not a parent listening to this, this absolutely applies. This could, gosh, darn it, this could apply to my relationship. You know? I love, I love this example, the, you know, the standards versus expectations and not setting the relationship up, whatever relationship it is. But especially that parenting child, parent-teen relationship up for success, not for failure. It's huge.
Kim (08:32):
Yeah, absolutely. And like you said, it really can be used in any relationship. It can be used in a professional relationship. If you have a coworker and you two just kind of aren't jiving and you think that things should be done this way and they think it should be done this way. It allows you to come together and say, okay, let's set some standards for this, for this project, for this aspect of our workday, whatever the case may be. And it's also great too for your relationship with your partner or your family members, um, that don't live in your immediate household, the standards vs expectation has been a game changer in so many aspects of life.
Carlee (09:06):
Yeah, I can absolutely see why. So, you know, for the listeners, for those of you who are tuning in, you're hearing this conversation, what is, I'm really curious. So what is one thing that like, that really makes you feel loved? It makes you feel respected when your, either your kid or your partner or that important person in your life when they actually do it. What is that one thing? I'm really curious. Um, I will tell you for me, if the hand, if the dishes are hand-washed, I think I keep bringing up the dishes. That must be like my love language, clean dishes, but you know, if the dishes are hand washed, Oh my gosh, does that make me feel respected and valued. Um, and so I'm curious, is that true for you guys as listeners? What, or if not, what is the thing that's standing out to you. Now, if you're feeling overworked and exhausted, I've got some good news. Now the Stress Less Company works with high-achieving executives, business owners and managers, just like you to find that sense of peace and freedom that they desire. And as a result of our work together, not only do they learn how to deepen their spiritual connection, whatever that means to them, they also learn those tactical tools that they need so that they can experience more free time, more efficiency, and even more prosperity. Sounds pretty great, right? Well, you can apply for a complimentary stress assessment today to start the conversation about working together, simply visit stresslessco.com/apply for more information and to apply. Now, this concludes this episode of the Stress Less Show. And I want to give one last big, big shout out for Kim. Thank you. Thank you so much for coming on the show.
Kim (10:44):
Oh my gosh. Thank you. So, so, so, so, so much for having me. It's been great.
Carlee (10:48):
Awesome. Now, for those of us who are maybe curious to learn a little bit more about Girl Talk and what you do, where can we find you?
Kim (10:56):
So you can find me on Facebook and Instagram. And I also have a website which is just kimkeane.com
Carlee (11:04):
Beautiful. And we will make sure that all of that is in the show notes. So you guys don't have to worry about spelling or anything like that. Now, if you've enjoyed this week's episode, let us know by giving us a big old thumbs up and hitting that follow or subscribe button. Thanks for listening. Share if it resonated and we will see you next week. Bye now!