How to Handle Anger [The Stress Less Show - Episode 63]

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Carlee

Have you ever raise your voice or thrown something when you were angry? Hey, we've all been there. I once threw a piece of garlic toast across the room, only to have it hit a painting that I had painted probably a week before and all its buttery glory just dragged down the painting. We've all been there. Hey, I'm Carlee Myers. I'm your friendly stress management expert and this month we are talking about the current events and how to cope. Now, I brought on an amazing guest, Tyra S Gardner, who is the CEO of At a Moment's Notice. Tyra is a psychotherapist, nat and nationally certified as an anger management specialist, anger management specialist and speaker. I'm super, super excited to have Tyra on the show because, quite frankly, tensions are high right now. And I know for me, when I feel vulnerable, when I feel sad, when I feel all of the feelings, I don't want to feel anger is the first thing that comes up. So I am so excited to have you on the show, Tyra. 

Tyra

I'm so happy to be here. Thanks for having me today, Carlee. Thank you. 

Carlee

Absolutely. So I'd love to hear a little bit more about how you ended up and how you got in to this line of work. 

Tyra

Well, I've been a psychotherapist for over 20 years. And so I was already working with clients who was experiencing anger. But at the same time, I was just like hmm as years progressing I was seeing like people were getting angrier of the situations was happening. I know for myself I can get tend to get angry and I say, well, you know, let me get certified in this. Let me learn a little bit more about the levels of anger, because there are numerous levels, you know, that we has that we all experience, you know, and how to handle it. You know, how to get a be able to maintain it in the cope with some of life's issues. So that was why I got into it, because I felt the need that we really need the help. I wanted to help more people, you know, with channeling their anger and their rage to other areas that are more calming and more peaceful and the actual you know, the actual behaviors, you know, because those behaviors, those angry behaviors lead you to jail time. You know what I mean? And nobody wants that, you know. So I felt the need to want to help more people and get a more more broader reach with discovering my niche. And 

Carlee

I love that

Tyra

-to help people through psychotherapy with their anger, you know. So 

Carlee

I love that. I wish I would have had you 10 years ago when I when I threw that garlic bread. I feel like that could of that situation could have been totally different. But I'm I'm excited to. You know what you recommend because. Yeah, we talked about channeling and I and what really struck me just now, as you talked about the levels of anger, I don't think we think about that very often. So I would love to hear from you. Like what? Like, very quickly. Like, what are those levels of anger and and how do we like what is the first step that we can take to begin coping with it?

Tyra

Well, I'm going to go over the two main types of anger that a lot of people experience in the first anger, the first type that a lot of people experience is displaced anger. Displaced anger is where you pretty much channeled that anger towards an individual or two, toward the individuals that it really does not need to belong or a situation where if something happens, you pretty much. You have an issue, at work, you bring that issue home, you take it out on your relatives. You know what I mean? And so when that happens, you know, people don't really realize, you know, what they're doing, you know? And sometimes we get so comfortable in our lifestyle that it is... It goes on for years and years and years, you know, and it's just like it always goes back to the whole conversation of, oh, well, you know, oh, they always mad when they come home from work. So we're used to it, you know. But no, you shouldn't be used to it. You know, we need to help you find a new way to channel that anger so that's displaced anger. The second type of anger, that is really relevant that a lot of people experience is situational anger. Now, you may be the calmest person ever calm, peaceful, but a situation occurs, causes you to become angry. And when it occurs, the first thing they want to do is label you as angry. Oh, she's an angry person or he's an angry person It's not necessarily that you're angry. The situation that happened is what caused you to react the way that you do, you know, and it's like those two types of anger is what we see on a daily basis is just that we just a lot of us didn't know it was a name for it, you know, and just like with situational anger, it's like you have to pretty much like prove to people that I am not an angry person, especially if the courts are involved. If, you know, like, you know, family and friends and people who really know who you are as a person, you don't have to explain anything because they know that the situation is the reason that caused you to respond the way to do it. And they know that you normally wouldn't respond that way. You know, it's all about reaction and, you know, being mindful of how we react to situations which, you know, leads to us being able to learn how to calm our anger.

Carlee

Yeah. 

Tyra

But just because we have angry, anger, anger, period, I don't mean that we are angry people. 

Carlee

Yeah. You know, I feel like that's one of the. I was literally just having this conversation with one of my staff members the other day, and I was sharing with her that, like I. For me, anger's the easiest thing to go to when I feel vulnerable because it feels like it feels like a stronger, more masculine, you know, an emotion. And she was sharing with me. She's like, I no. Anger is not the easiest for me because then people lab.. label me as angry, you know, and I don't want to be stuck in that, like, oh, you're just an angry person label. And so I love that you're bringing that you're bringing up that there's this displaced anger, but there's also this situational anger. And, you know, we are not labeled by by that emotion. So what do you what do you recommend to begin? You know, OK, we're probably a lot of us and our heads are saying, like, OK, well, I'm doing the displaced anger thing or I'm you know, I'm very situational for either one of those. What do we what is the first step that we need to take to start managing that in a more healthy way? 

Tyra

One of the first steps that we need to do to start managing and managing it is, number one, gain self-control. We have to learn how to think before we respond. That's first. Second, we have to know to remain calm. You know, because the more that we remain calm, the more we are able to process the situation because when something happens to make us angry, we have to process it. The third would be to take a deep breath. Taking a deep breath, relaxing, you know, and allowing yourself to pretty much not take in all of the negative energy that's coming towards you from all of this, you know. And then the fourth is, knowing to never respond when angry. You know, when you make a response when you're angry, it always go left field. You know, it never ends up in a good situation next. And the fifth would be identifying possible solutions, you know, being able to get a solution. You know, that also would help, you know, with processing anger. You know, i n addition to when you do start to talk about the anger, you know, don't pick the I statements it's the we, you know, because the thing is, you don't want the person to feel like they singled out and like they were the one that caused all of the havoc. You want to take over ownership for your responsibility in whatever situation it was to cause the anger. And then we have that other little piece, whereas people like to say don't stay in their own lane, they like to mind other people's business and they bring their drama to you. And then all of a sudden we are angry and it's just like no, if we mind our own business we don't to worry about being angry, you know, if and then knowing that don't hold or don't have a grudge, don't have a grudge. Learn to let go. You know, the more we learn to let go, that helps us a lot I mean I know situations happen and we can't... We can forgive the people, but we don't have to forget the situation or forget what they do. You keep it in the back of your mind, but now it allows you to learn how to handle the situation and handle the individuals with care 

Carlee

Moving forward. Yes, I'm what I'm hearing is like, really, it's about creating that space, that space between when we get angry and when we act and then finding out that, you know, taking note when people people mess it, like messin with you to address, like how you're going to know, protect yourself and your emotions and things moving forward and identify those other solutions. Awesome. So for those of you who are listening to know in the comments below, what is your biggest takeaway? I know for me it's this situ- I, I didn't even know there are different kinds of anger. So I'm going to have to go back through and say, where did this show up for me? Now, we also want to let you know that if you need some help putting yourself care first we've got your back. So join us a few times a month for self care accountability group for only seventeen dollars a month. You can learn more by visiting Stressless CO dot COM slash virtual stressless space. That concludes this episode of The Stress Less Show. And if you've enjoyed this week's episode, let us know by giving us a big old thumbs up and hitting that follow or subscribe button. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next week.