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Carlee
Do you love yourself or do you like yourself? Some folks find these questions difficult and that's totally normal. In this episode, we're going to talk about how to accept yourself for who you are and learn a little bit about self compassion. Hi, I'm Carlee Myers, your friendly stress management expert. And this month we are talking about mental health. And I brought on an incredible expert, Kira Yakubov to talk about mental health, to talk about what we can do to make sure we're taking care of ourselves, what we can do to start liking ourselves, the whole nine yards. We're gonna get into a lot in the next 10 minutes or less. So Kira is a licensed psychotherapist with a specialized training in sex therapy. She works with adults and couples at her private practice based in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. And virtually, um Kira helps clients struggling with anxiety, self-worth, relational distress, cross-cultural challenges and sexual issues. And through their work together, clients have gained insight into how their past experiences and relationships are continuing to hold them back from living in an authentic and fulfilling life, a life that they deserve. So I'm so excited to have you on the show, Kira.
Kira
Thank you. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here.
Carlee
Absolutely. Absolutely. So I remember the first time we met, it was at a support group. We were we were both running the support group. And I remember hearing your story for the first time and it just blew me away. And I love for you to just if you if you don't mind sharing that story again, how you how you got here, how you ended up in this line of work.
Kira
Yeah, absolutely. So I did not originally ever think I'd be a therapist. It was never on my radar. And that's pretty much because of my cultural background. So I immigrated to America when I was two with my family from the former Soviet Union. And mental health is really stigmatized and gender roles are amplified big time. So growing up, I had like this split personality where I would have to get along with kids in school, the American culture. And then having to come back home and deal with a completely different culture. So having, like, this internal struggle within me made me really confused about who I was and kind of where I belong in the world. So I started reading a lot of books about psychology and human behavior and just trying to understand myself. And that's kind of how I fell in love with it to begin with. And I think that is a huge thing that has helped me, is learning more about myself and bringing that self awareness and is knowing that, you know, I was an introvert and I like to be quiet more times and that it wasn't something wrong with me. And so when it was time to go to school, I asked my dad, you know, what should I do? I had no idea. And he said, you should go for accounting. It's a stable job for a woman and you'll get married and, you know, the rest will be taken care of. So I went to school for accounting. Long story short, I had my internship at a tax firm, absolutely hated it and minored in psychology. And at that point, I fell in love with it and fell in love with the thought of helping other people who struggle, whether it's depression, anxiety or just shame about who they were. And I eventually switched my major, went to grad school, became a therapist. And here I am.
Carlee
The rest is history. I love. I love your dad's kind of perspective or the perspective that kind of was put on you, because I chuckle because it's definitely something that I think a lot of a lot of women have experienced, like just get a job and get married in the rest will all fall in to place like this. I don't know if it works that way, but thanks. So, yeah. So I'm curious, like, you know, you have all this training, you, you work with clients every day to help them work through this relationship that they have with themselves and with other people. You know, what would you recommend for someone who you might be struggling right now or feels like? OK, well, the questions Carlee asked at the beginning of this. I don't even know if I like myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. Like, what would you recommend to that person?
Kira
Yeah, I think I would always start with my clients is taking some time to be reflective and mindful of themselves. Right. So that's your thoughts, your behaviors, your emotions and journaling has always been my favorite is just thinking about, like, what comes up in certain situations or how do I respond or feel when I'm around certain people or in certain environments. So I think it's really hard to make any long term changes if you don't really know who you are and how you operate. So just having that information and doing it in a very nonjudgmental way. Right. As an observer, it's not that. Oh, I get quiet in the large crowds. I'm horrible. No, it's OK. So maybe I thrive in smaller groups and that's OK. Right. But until we start asking ourselves some of these questions, it's really hard to make any changes or start to accept ourselves.
Carlee
It sounds like we're almost like taking an inventory. Like we're not like when we're in, I don't know, like the deep freeze or something when we're like, how many chicken nuggets do we have versus whatever. We're not thinking. There's only three chicken nuggets left those darn chicken nuggets. we're like thinking how many like this is what we have in inventory is like just getting to know what's in our inventory and not judging. It is like this is the first step. So even it's funny, this reminds me of I had a conversation with one of my clients recently and I remember her saying she is like, you know, I think that's a problem. I just don't I don't really particularly like myself. And we're talking about different self care and, you know, self love activities that she could be doing. And she was, you know, she in her mind was picturing like, oh, you know, I'm going to I don't know, like do something extravagant because I love myself and, you know, I'm going to show it to the world. And it's like we can't go from zero to like one hundred and sixty and like three point five. Like, we have to go from like, OK, if I don't, if I hate myself, well, maybe we should go to a place where we're like, OK, well, I hate myself less and now I'm a little neutral now. OK, I'm interested. Not sure if I like it, but I'm interested. And then, you know, like love. And then the process is so gradual, it seems like.
Kira
Yeah. And I love the way you describe that because I think focusing on progress and not perfection is huge. Right. I think a lot of times we have these unrealistic expectations of ourselves. Like once we do start to learn like, OK, I want to change these things. And if it doesn't look perfect the way we expect it to the first time, we might give up or quit or think that we're just never going to be good at it. So focusing on those super small baby steps. Right. Like today, I didn't have that negative self talk during something that normally makes me nervous. I gave myself permission to be a little bit more neutral or kinder. So it's those those baby steps that are so important and that builds confidence. And it's like that snowball effect that lets us continue on.
Carlee
Yeah. I love that. I remember hearing somewhere that those like someone calling those baby steps micro bravery, little tiny things that like it takes courage, it takes bravery even for the smallest things. I mean that. Yeah. And that's what creates that snowball effect. I love that.
Kira
Yeah,
Carlee
so what would you what else would you recommend? You know, knowing we're coming up on time, like what would you recommend for someone something? What else would you recommend for someone in this situation?
Kira
I also think the way we talk to ourselves is so much more harsher than we would talk to anybody else. Even the people that are closest to us. So I think taking the perspective of treating ourselves, caring for ourselves and talking to ourselves like a small child. And I don't mean that in a condescending way, but I mean, like, what do I need right now? Am I hungry am I nourishing myself? Am I going outside? Like, if I made a mistake, am I being kind and understanding? So thinking about what would you say to your best friend who you love and care about and treating yourself in that same fashion or at least working towards getting there in that way?
Carlee
Yeah, this is funny analogy that I always bring up when we talk about inner child, which is like, let's say a kid comes home from school and they forgot to do their homework or they did bad on a test. And the parents like you MFer like, they yell and they scream. And do you think that kid is gonna go to their room and study more
Kira
Of course not
Carlee
No.
Kira
Maybe. But they're going to do it in a really horrible way.
Carlee
Yeah. Right. They might. But most kids are gonna be crying, right? Most kids are gonna be isolating. Most kids are gonna be like, I'm afraid of whatever that is. And I think we're oftentimes doing that. We're creating that sense of self sabotage or that kid's going to overwork. And that's like a whole nother psychology conversation. But the kid is more likely if you if that parent that kid comes home. The parent says you did the. You know what? Well, what could you have changed when you maybe could have studied more? Right. And giving them that feedback. But so I love these tips. Thank you so much for sharing them. They were super helpful. But for the folks for folks at home that are listening, we want to know. We don't want to make this conversation one side. We want to know what small steps that steps that you're taking right now, like today. What small steps are you taking that you're really proud of and you're really excited about? Now, we also have some really, really big news for you guys and that this is it. The Stress, Less Space is back. Now, I'm so excited about it because, one, it's more affordable than ever, but two, because this is self love accountability, taken to a whole new level. So you're going to join us twice a month for one hour group coaching, one hour accountability sessions to make sure you stay on track with yourself care and self love goals and aspirations. Now, you're also going to gain access to a private community of like minded individuals. So in order to learn more, you're going to click the link in our show notes to find out more. Now, this concludes this episode of The Stress Less Show. If you enjoyed this week's episode, let us know by giving us a big old thumbs up and hitting that follow or subscribe button. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next week.