>> Carlee: Hi. I'm Carlee Myers a stress management mentor. One thing I hear day in and day out is that we feel like we tried everything when it comes to stress. We may have tried the mainstream approaches to managing stress but we have. Have we really try to get to the root of the issue. Each episode I bring on experts and leaders to not just put a Band-Aid on your stress but actually to get to the root of the issue. This month, our theme is family obligations and responsibilities. The third top stressor in the United States are women specifically in this episode brought on a guest, Denise Brown, to talk about caregiving. So Denise launched caregiving dot com in 1996. It was the first website to add online caregiving support groups, give daily caregiving chats and blogs written by family caregivers. And more. Her insights have actually been featured in The Wall Street Journal The New York Times. U.S. News. And World Report USA Today, Smart money.com Time magazine and more. So. I'm so excited to have you on the show to me. It's an honor.
>> Denise: It's great to connect with you, Carlee and I'm glad to be with you as well.
>> Carlee: Awesome so, I'm curious how did you get into this line of work?
>> Denise: I'm a writer. I was in the midst of a career change in my late 20s and I decided I wanted to do something more meaningful. I connected with older adults and the family members who were caring for them and was fascinated by the stories they told me and the stories kept me working with them. So over the years, I've interviewed and spoken to thousands of family caregivers and what is so compelling to me is that every story is different. And that's what keeps me really working with family caregivers. I've been doing it since 1990.
>> Carlee: And so I remember before we before we hopped on the show I guess you'd call called in the green room we talked about, your relationship with your parents and going through the process yourself. Would you mind sharing a little bit about that?
>> Denise: Yeah, my dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer in 2004 and it spread in 2015. He had a surgery to remove his bladder, a kidney, his uretur and he had unrelated prostate cancer. Six weeks after the surgery, he had a stroke because he had a blocked carotid artery. And then a month later he thought he was having a heart attack and then a week after that my mom started having an internal bleed. That they could only stop by removing a third of her stomach. So throughout 2015, we were either in the doctor's office or in a hospital. At the same time, I had my small business and you know that when you're running a website it's 24/7. And I also was working a part time job. That's how I had the cash flow come into the business so I didn't stress out about money. And the struggle was trying to figure out how am I available for my parents because at any moment it seemed like one of them was getting closer to death and that I didn't want my business to die. I know that sounds a little crazy to say it that way but I was trying to keep everyone alive including my business and what helped me was to figure out what my priorities are. I also deliver workshops and presentations and I decided that my priority was what was bringing in the money. So my part time job and my speaking engagements and I kept those priorities and I also shared with my siblings and my parents what my priorities were and everybody was on board about that. They did not want me to add financial distress to an already stressful situation. So to really think about what my priorities are, to be clear about them and to communicate them helped me manage and navigate throughout that experience. My parents still need help. They have both recovered to some extent, but that priority that I set in 2015 has carried with me. And the next however many years four years I'm I'm clear about the priority and that's really helped.
>> Carlee: Yeah and so how specifically has setting those priorities changed your life or made it better?
>> Denise: It removed the guilt. I don't feel that I don't feel guilty about not being in the hospital room. I actually was delivering a series of workshops at a manufacturing plant in Indiana. That manufactures soap of all things. And I was delivering a series of workshops while my mom was in the hospital recovering from the surgery. And I really did not know if she was going to recover, but I was committed to my priorities. I had spent time with my mom before I left. She knew I loved her and cared for her. And even though it was difficult, I didn't bring the guilt with me. Because I knew I was doing what was right for, for me in that moment.
>> Carlee: Yeah. And it sounds like guilt. I know from my personal experience watching my own mom take care of my grandmother. And my great grandma, both my great grandmothers. That guilt can be almost like an epidemic. It's contagious and so being able to release that guilt is key. So what else do you recommend for someone who is in a tough situation like this where maybe they are feeling that guilt or obligation or you know there are a lot of other things that are coming up.
>> Denise: I just want to follow up on that because that's such a great point and I think it's helpful for us to think about our priorities driving our decisions rather than our guilt.
>> Carlee: Yes.
>> Denise: Because those decisions driven by guilt are decisions that are going to just really weigh on us and create more stress from for us. I also suggest that we build our support on our best day. And I see this happening on a regular basis where someone will have just a terrible caregiving day, and they'll try to find a support group in their community or join a support group on caregiving dot com but the stress clouds our ability to think clearly and then because they can't think clearly and it doesn't work they think there is nothing out there for me. There is no support. If you build it on your good day when the stress is less and you're able to think clearly, you'll have that support on a bad day. I also think it's helpful to think about a way to relax even if it's just for five minutes. What's hard about our caregiving days is that we're going at 100 miles a minute and then we're supposed to just all of a sudden stop and be OK. We have to figure out a way to relax during the day. So that it's easier for us to end the day and that relaxation is without guilt, without worry. It's a total moment of everything is OK. I'm at peace with my life and with my world. That's really helpful to integrate that during the day.
>> Carlee: And I just got an image of I think it's Wile E. Coyote just running running running and getting to the cliff and he is just still running and has no idea and it's like that kind of how that's kind of how it can be when we go go go on and we stop and we're like Wait a second you know that feeling so finding a way to relax is key. And for those of us who are listening we have some episodes on figuring out what those stress management activities are so go back into our archives if you're having a little trouble with that. And so I believe you have one more recommendation for everyone.
>> Denise: I also think it's important for us to know that we do not have to prevent any and every bad thing we can get caught in this idea that when we're caring for someone with a chronic illness or a disease, it's our responsibility to prevent the natural cycle of life. And it's such a hard way to live. It's not our fault when someone declines. It's not our fault when someone dies. It's the natural cycle of life. And I think what's hard for us to do is live with that natural cycle of life and understand our responsibility within it. And if we can decide. I can't prevent everything bad from happening. It allows us to leave the house. The idea that we have to prevent. Keeps us in the house because we're waiting for the other shoe to drop. So we can catch it. Another shoe is going to drop. And it's OK that we don't catch it. We don't have to stop our lives. We can keep moving forward.
>> Carlee: This almost reminds me of. One of the I think it's like one of the steps or one of the ideologies from the anonymous groups that those those types of support groups where they say, we just acknowledge that this is out of my control. And with that acknowledgement comes peace and I've seen that with friends who have gone through programs like that to friends who haven't who you know gone through something similar tough where they just acknowledge that this is something that I can't control and there is there's peace in that. So this has been really insightful Denise. Thank you so much for coming on the show.
>> Denise: Thank you Carlee. It was great to connect.
>> Carlee: Absolutely. So this episode was sponsored by The Stress Less Space. It's located at 16th and Walnut in Philadelphia P.A. The Stress Less Space is the ultimate lady cave for women to relax and recharge away from the chaos of everyday life. So if you're interested in getting a little relaxation going in your life. Visit stress less co dot com. Take care and we'll see you next week on The Stress Less Show.